Arch Patton
DOWN IN THE VALLEY
Chapter 11
By James Strauss
Arch Patton, Down in the Valley, Chapter 11
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Some minor editing suggestions follow:
ATM. “Seven dollars?” he hissed at the screen. He had no choice.
/ I’m assuming the 7 dollars is a transaction fee? /
Only a few feet away distant cars sped past
“away” and “distant” seem redundant or contradictory
Only a few feet away cars sped past
rusty container containing used soft drink cans.
“container containing” words seems too similar
Maybe substitute “receptacle” or “drum” for “container”
rusty receptacle containing used soft drink cans.
OR rusty drum containing used soft drink cans.
“Chocolate Hupia Pie from Ted,”
The picture and later text says “Haupia”
“Chocolate Haupia Pie from Ted,”
/ There are many bakeries in Hawaii that serve this delicious pie so it’s hard to say which bakery made this pie first but I think it is safe to say that it was Ted’s Bakery on North Shore Oahu that made it famous. It is the perfect blend of chocolate, coconut, and cream and it just might be my favorite pie of all time.
https://www.favfamilyrecipes.com/chocolate-haupia-pie-teds-bakery-copycat/
The people were up against
“we’re” instead of “were”
The people we’re up against
Blessings & Be Well DanC