Arch Patton
DOWN IN THE VALLEY
Chapter 3
By J. Strauss
Arch completely understood Virginia’s need to toss him from the room and get on her cell phone. The active career he’d only recently retired from demanded that he understand and leave immediately after the short dinner and even shorter get-together in her room. The mess of her room that they’d destroyed together seemed such a warm and inviting relief from the rest of Arch’s mostly cold universe.
“Might go over to Ola’s for a nightcap,” Arch said back to her, as she closed the door, cell phone already glued to one ear. He went up to his room to clean up and call it a night, although it was only nine o’clock. They hadn’t talked about the mission or what had happened to him during dinner or after. It was like either there was no real mission or they had been allowed a recess for personal time. He went back to his room to freshen up and change shirts, but couldn’t help checking out Virginia’s lanai one more time before he went.
Last updated 12:40PM CDT Sept 18, 2021
Some minor editing suggestions follow:
The active career he’d only recently retired from
/ in chapter 1 it says “He’d retired ten years ago”
Maybe
The active career spanning many years demanded he understand
They hadn’t talked about he mission or what had happened
“the” instead of “he”
They hadn’t talked about the mission or what had happened
/ Also word order /
They hadn’t talked about the mission or what had happened to him during dinner or after.
Maybe
During dinner or after they hadn’t talked about the mission or what had happened to him.
The Leica’s brought both
Drop the “‘s” from Leica’s
The Leica brought both
He also wore white sox.
Maybe “socks” instead of “sox”
He also wore white socks.
They wore casual trousers and aloha shirts.
rather been caught dead than wearing them with shorts and white socks.
The agents are wearing trousers
Arch is imagining himself wearing spit shined shoes with shorts
Not really an issue.
binoculars on Ola Bar and Grill
Maybe add “the” before “Ola”
binoculars on the Ola Bar and Grill
side of his head with the healing contusion he’d received
Maybe add “still” before “healing”
side of his head with the still healing contusion he’d received
The car would not speed to avoid police interference.
/ word order /
The car would avoid police interference by not speeding.
it was used to tape his wrists to long flat handles protruding out from under them
Maybe substitute “his arms” for “them”
it was used to tape his wrists to long flat handles protruding out from under his arms.
He realized that but no longer care.
“cared” instead of “care”
He realized that but no longer cared.
At some point of applying terrible the subject always came to decision point.
Maybe add “pain” after “terrible” and “a” before “decision”
At some point of applying terrible pain the subject always came to a decision point.
/ Since we have “point” twice in this sentence maybe
After some interval of applying terrible pain the subject always came to a decision point.
surrendering in the face of real visceral experience
Maybe add “a” before “real”
surrendering in the face of a real visceral experience
renamed the place many years.
Add “ago” after “years”
renamed the place many years ago.
make it sound the more believable.
Maybe drop the “the”
make it sound more believable.
Scintillation. The word last used only hours before by Virginia,
/ The reader has to take this on faith. /
They hadn’t talked about the mission or what had happened to him during dinner or after.
the flat wooden chair handle.
Maybe “arm” instead of “handle” Although “handle” has been used before.
the flat wooden chair arm.
the soft-sounding sounding player asked
Extra “sounding”
the soft-sounding player asked
were nothing to pain in his heart.
Maybe add “the” before “pain”
were nothing to the pain in his heart.
/ Cut to Frank Sinatra crooning “The Tender Trap.” /
Blessings & Be Well DanC