Arch Patton
DOWN IN THE VALLEY
Chapter 7
By James Strauss
Arch Patton, Down in the Valley, Chapter 7
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Some minor editing suggestions follow:
busy place and they could leave it for quite some time before anyone might notice, if necessary.
/ word order /
busy place and, if necessary, they could leave it for quite some time before anyone might notice.
Lincolns and the private security guards
Period after “Lincolns” Drop “and” Begin new sentence with “The”
Lincolns. The private security guards
even when it came to handing out the simplest of instructions.
Maybe “carrying” instead of “handing”
even when it came to carrying out the simplest of instructions.
Matisse was sitting at a booth near the Hawaii Kai harbor water
Maybe change “water” to “the water’s edge” plus move it to after “near”
Matisse was sitting at a booth near the water’s edge at the Hawaii Kai harbor.
“For what?” Arch asked in an exasperating tone.
Change “exasperating” to “exasperated”
“For what?” Arch asked in an exasperated tone.
What’s she’s got herself into here
Maybe change “What’s” to “What”
What she’s got herself into here
booming spry
“spray”
booming spray
gawking tourists had to we watched out for
Substitute “be” for “we”
gawking tourists had to be watched out for
corporal handed Arch’s I.D. back and salute again.
Saluted
corporal handed Arch’s I.D. back and saluted again.
amphibious stuff. We safe.
Close quotes
amphibious stuff. We safe.”
Matisse said, point toward Diamond Head way.
Pointing
Matisse said, pointing toward Diamond Head way.
Arch said, is attitude still near rock bottom.
“his” instead of “is”
Arch said, his attitude still near rock bottom.
Both men climbed the mountain using an old and little used winding path back from the very peak.
/ I don’t understand the “back from the very peak” part. / Maybe:
Both men climbed the mountain using an old and little used winding path up to the very peak.
held up my tent poles
“by” instead of “my”
held up by tent poles
Blessings & Be Well DanC