Arch Patton
DOWN IN THE VALLEY
Chapter 7
By James Strauss
The Hertz counter was empty when Arch went in to get a car more fitting than Matisse’s Pontiac convertible. There were plenty of cars and Arch didn’t bother to try to negotiate rates. A hundred dollars a day for a Cadillac, even if it wasn’t as big as one of the old models. Arch missed the big Lincoln all the rental agencies carried at one time, but the days of those land giants were gone forever, except for relic jalopies like Matisse drove. Taking no chances Arch had Matisse wait for him in the Zippies parking lot at Hawaii Kai. Even the distinctive outrage of the Pontiac wouldn’t be noticed in that busy place and they could leave it for quite some time before anyone might notice, if necessary.
Last update 12:30AM CST Sept 21, 2021
Some minor editing suggestions follow:
busy place and they could leave it for quite some time before anyone might notice, if necessary.
/ word order /
busy place and, if necessary, they could leave it for quite some time before anyone might notice.
Lincolns and the private security guards
Period after “Lincolns” Drop “and” Begin new sentence with “The”
Lincolns. The private security guards
even when it came to handing out the simplest of instructions.
Maybe “carrying” instead of “handing”
even when it came to carrying out the simplest of instructions.
Matisse was sitting at a booth near the Hawaii Kai harbor water
Maybe change “water” to “the water’s edge” plus move it to after “near”
Matisse was sitting at a booth near the water’s edge at the Hawaii Kai harbor.
“For what?” Arch asked in an exasperating tone.
Change “exasperating” to “exasperated”
“For what?” Arch asked in an exasperated tone.
What’s she’s got herself into here
Maybe change “What’s” to “What”
What she’s got herself into here
booming spry
“spray”
booming spray
gawking tourists had to we watched out for
Substitute “be” for “we”
gawking tourists had to be watched out for
corporal handed Arch’s I.D. back and salute again.
Saluted
corporal handed Arch’s I.D. back and saluted again.
amphibious stuff. We safe.
Close quotes
amphibious stuff. We safe.”
Matisse said, point toward Diamond Head way.
Pointing
Matisse said, pointing toward Diamond Head way.
Arch said, is attitude still near rock bottom.
“his” instead of “is”
Arch said, his attitude still near rock bottom.
Both men climbed the mountain using an old and little used winding path back from the very peak.
/ I don’t understand the “back from the very peak” part. / Maybe:
Both men climbed the mountain using an old and little used winding path up to the very peak.
held up my tent poles
“by” instead of “my”
held up by tent poles
Blessings & Be Well DanC