DOWN IN THE VALLEY
By J. Strauss
Kaneohe Marine Base on the Windward Side of Oahu is among the best kept and most squared-away of all Marine bases. Nothing is out of place. Absolutely nothing out of place. Lawns are mowed with white rocks precisely set around their borders. Everything is so freshly painted that the Hawaiian trade winds are filled with the aroma. There is not one pothole on any of the streets. A civilian had once asked him how the Marines keep their bases so clean and tidy. Arch had just laughed. The man could not understand just how tight the discipline and work ethic of a Marine organization really was. There was no hired help. The Marines worked all the time when not training, eating or sleeping. It was simply part of being in the Corps.
Last update at 12:51PM CDT Sept 18, 2021
Some minor editing suggestions follow:
He reminded Arch of the character ‘Angel’ on Rockford
/ cultural reference. Doesn’t mean a thing to me who never watched that TV show /
Ghost of Christmas past
Ghost of Christmas Past
/ took we a few seconds to comprehend the ornaments referred to the cuffs and ankle chains /
abandoned his opposite number. That partner had to be the one person
Present tense seems better. It’s an ongoing code of conduct.
abandons his opposite number. That partner has to be the one person
No matter what the mission Frank’s conduct was unforgivable, and Arch
Punctuation: maybe comma after “mission” (short pause) and semicolon after “unforgivable” (long pause – change of direction)
No matter what the mission, Frank’s conduct was unforgivable; and Arch
when the winter waves crash onto the rocks. Any entry into such waters would be near
Maybe add “then” after “entry”
/ Seems as if people enter the water in the Summer /
when the winter waves crash onto the rocks. Any entry then into such waters would be near
has one simply mission in this world
“simple” instead of “simply”
has one simple mission in this world
Arch asked. “Virginia wants
“Arch asked” might better be moved to the end of the previous sentence.
Rabbit Island with satellites, do you?” Arch asked.
/ Then continue dialog with “Virginia wants /
Having stayed many times Arch
Maybe add “there” after “stayed”
Having stayed there many times Arch
He glanced over at where he knew Virginia’s room to be along the windows of the east wing,
/ If Arch’s room faces South and Virginia’s room faces East and Arch can view her room then it seems her room must be to the west of his. / Maybe west wing?
He glanced over at where he knew Virginia’s room to be along the windows of the west wing,
/ ELSE if it really is an east wing then Virginia’s room faces West. /
Arch new Virginia would be punctual
“knew” rather than “new”
Arch knew Virginia would be punctual
Text has indents to begin paragraphs but no blank lines between paragraphs. Is that what you want?
Blessings & Be Well